No Surprises
I have cried.
I have cried my lungs out.
I have heard myself sobbing, looked at myself in the mirror just to see how I look like when I am that sad. When I feel there is no way out, there is literally no thought that can carry me somewhere. I just have to sit there, think of all the mistakes I have done, all the "could have been"s and all the opportunies I accidentaly or purposely missed.
There it is, I am victimizing myself. The world is sure not fair. But it is much less fair to me if you ask it to me. I cant explain why I feel like that, maybe it has to do with some psychological issues- most probably. I am just afraid it is gonna be difficult to change the template I have obtained in years of experience.
What is "years" anyway, sometimes I feel like I havent seen anything yet. I feel that this is just the very beginning. All I have been through was a sweet little enterance, supported by some small tragedies and some joyful moments. And I keep remembering the day, that my brother decided to move to another country. That was the same year I decided to be an exchange student. Back then, I thought myself, this is it. This is like a save button to what I have lived so far. From now on, another file should be recorded, another chapter has to be opened. And that is more or less the same feeling I have been having here so far.
I was not expecting to be this unimpressed by the adulthood. But here I am. It is not like as it seems. It is full of stuff that turns you down, the road is paved with people who discourages the hell out of you and breaks your heart. Especially if you have a naive heart. The heart that believes caring for others, caring the living creatures, caring the emotions.
I have learned that how you say things in is much important than what you are saying. Cause in the end, everyone is denying the words they say, but I can not forget how they made me feel.Those vague moments feel like they will stick in my mind and in my soul, forever. I have learned that everyone has some type of armour on their hearts and souls, that they only show to others. And I didnt have one. At those times, I felt naked. Naked in the heart.
Besides all these, I have some interesting observations too. It is still amazing to see though that after all those tears I shed, I can still cry. And it is also quite amazing to feel each single emotion and approach to myself from different angles. Of course that doesnt automatically make me lean on one side or the other, but it is good to see that they come and visit me. Like in the case of still crying, it reminds me that it might still be possible to fix my oh-so-tired broken heart again and again. It won't be same, it wont repeat itself expressions cause every human being is different. But who can say what is coming is not better than what has gone? Cause we dont know. Thank god we dont know.
All those thoughts that come and go sometimes are the same ones that I ignore to accept. I get annoyed by others that they are sad but not changing the situations that make them on that way and keep complaining about it. Since I live alone, I realize that it is easy to speak from outside. But guess what, it is NOT easy to speak to "oneself". To accept that I deserve better, to convince myself what is good and what is bad for me, to acknowledge my needs and figuring out best ways to fullfill them although it is not in the way how I imagined it. But yeah, at this stage of my life, I am just in the position to realize this but I have yet to find the courage to look after myself. Cause in the end of the day, I learned that I am the only one who is there to console myself. It may sound sad, it may sound cruel but it is just pure truth. So, just like feeding myself and putting myself in bed, I learn ways of consoling myself for better.
I have cried my lungs out.
I have heard myself sobbing, looked at myself in the mirror just to see how I look like when I am that sad. When I feel there is no way out, there is literally no thought that can carry me somewhere. I just have to sit there, think of all the mistakes I have done, all the "could have been"s and all the opportunies I accidentaly or purposely missed.
There it is, I am victimizing myself. The world is sure not fair. But it is much less fair to me if you ask it to me. I cant explain why I feel like that, maybe it has to do with some psychological issues- most probably. I am just afraid it is gonna be difficult to change the template I have obtained in years of experience.
What is "years" anyway, sometimes I feel like I havent seen anything yet. I feel that this is just the very beginning. All I have been through was a sweet little enterance, supported by some small tragedies and some joyful moments. And I keep remembering the day, that my brother decided to move to another country. That was the same year I decided to be an exchange student. Back then, I thought myself, this is it. This is like a save button to what I have lived so far. From now on, another file should be recorded, another chapter has to be opened. And that is more or less the same feeling I have been having here so far.
I was not expecting to be this unimpressed by the adulthood. But here I am. It is not like as it seems. It is full of stuff that turns you down, the road is paved with people who discourages the hell out of you and breaks your heart. Especially if you have a naive heart. The heart that believes caring for others, caring the living creatures, caring the emotions.
I have learned that how you say things in is much important than what you are saying. Cause in the end, everyone is denying the words they say, but I can not forget how they made me feel.Those vague moments feel like they will stick in my mind and in my soul, forever. I have learned that everyone has some type of armour on their hearts and souls, that they only show to others. And I didnt have one. At those times, I felt naked. Naked in the heart.
Besides all these, I have some interesting observations too. It is still amazing to see though that after all those tears I shed, I can still cry. And it is also quite amazing to feel each single emotion and approach to myself from different angles. Of course that doesnt automatically make me lean on one side or the other, but it is good to see that they come and visit me. Like in the case of still crying, it reminds me that it might still be possible to fix my oh-so-tired broken heart again and again. It won't be same, it wont repeat itself expressions cause every human being is different. But who can say what is coming is not better than what has gone? Cause we dont know. Thank god we dont know.
All those thoughts that come and go sometimes are the same ones that I ignore to accept. I get annoyed by others that they are sad but not changing the situations that make them on that way and keep complaining about it. Since I live alone, I realize that it is easy to speak from outside. But guess what, it is NOT easy to speak to "oneself". To accept that I deserve better, to convince myself what is good and what is bad for me, to acknowledge my needs and figuring out best ways to fullfill them although it is not in the way how I imagined it. But yeah, at this stage of my life, I am just in the position to realize this but I have yet to find the courage to look after myself. Cause in the end of the day, I learned that I am the only one who is there to console myself. It may sound sad, it may sound cruel but it is just pure truth. So, just like feeding myself and putting myself in bed, I learn ways of consoling myself for better.
And this piece was written to do so.
Enjoy.
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