With a Little Help From My Friends

"And you have came to the world. There is no cure for that." 

It takes quite a lot of time to remember the past within oneself, but I guess it is more possible in the transition states of mind. When we are happy, we are too greedy to remember devastating moments of our lives and our ways to survive those times. And when we are too sad, we only remember the bad moments as if they are the only things that define us, forgetting how we got out of those times in the first place.

But life, most of the time, is a circle of remembering and forgetting, with all the rings are tied together to make a bigger circle, and hopefully a meaning. Of course, whatever we are through doesn't mean anything unless we try to understand something from it.

Today there was the World Cup match of Belgium. And after they have been defeated by two goals in the second half, I was a bit of sad that my second home to my 18 year old self, was going away from the floor. But then, in the last minutes, the result was completely twisted,bringing Belgium for the quarters finale.

It made me think of my good old days and my evolution, it made me remember who I was when I was there. 

I was a 18 year old girl who was never out of her country, and by series of events I was there trying to figure out this small country and the very small village I was in. I still remember the first night that I spent with my host family, and how I thought to myself "What am I doing here?" 

I lived through so much on that year, so much that I forgot what I knew till that point of my life. I used to think for example I can be friends with anyone and I can play along with them in order to be  friends. I thought I can rely on people because I am friendly to them and open up to them to be more closer. 

There were days of complete silence at the school I was going, and I definetely did not think that I belonged to the Turkish circle that I was supposed to hang out. I learned in the hard way that I can not be friends with everyone, and I can not change and become someone else for them. By the end of my year, I have constructed a complete different world view of my own. Some people are not sincere as I am and some just do not want to connect with me no matter how good I am to them. We were thinking of making a t-shirt that says "Belgium Survived me"  joking that we all survived this year, no matter how many problems we had, and so did Belgium for having us.

When Belgium changed its destiny in less than 10 minutes, I just remembered that even the idea of some things can help one to feel better. I felt proud, for my host country was there changing the score suddenly with a little faith to each other.

I also realized that with the lessons I got from that small country, at the age of 28, I  have sincere friends to cheer me up with a call or give me a word of wisdom no matter how far we are. I felt a like I collected something, something greater to remember on those difficult moments,if I can remember, especially when the pain that makes me feel drained whenever I feel alienated from myself.

So in the end, my old friend Belgium reminded me that I survived. And it made me cry.

"If you care something enough, It is going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear. Get mad."  S.A.

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