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Walking through

When she found herself piling up a list of songs she hasnt listened to for a long time, she decided to embrace the growing feeling. It was sneaking in like a drug, slowly dissolving in her veins and travelling to different parts of her body. Being aware didnt help to define what it was, as it appeared at different instances - in the midst of walking through a breeze for example, or observing a bird passing by, and then there were melodies crawling her mouth- pulling her to the songs. It was easy to be drawn to the familiarity of it. Warm and secure. Calm and see-through. And it was born at the instance of a talk- an insignificant moment for many but too late for her as she got lost in the flow and decided to welcome the new feelings. Just a talk, I assure you, an exchange of words in an attempt to express feelings and thoughts. But the flow - it was familiar, yet unknown and welcoming. Noone could tell the invisible knot that was being knit- except maybe the goodbye hugs were getting
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No Screws Loose

  It was a rainy august day when I got departed from the last piece of screw in my jaw. I welcomed it more than 10 years ago, after seemingly a brave decision to take part on a new orthodontical method for correcting teeth and how the mouth closes.  I still remember the doctor trying to convince me that some people were flying from other cities just to have their teeth corrected there. Not that the method had any particular popularity or needed selling out, it was more the dedication and willingness to have a better-looking teeth that my doctor tried to impose on the patients. He would make pictures on each step, which I assume was part of some PhD thesis along the way. At the day when he put 4 screws to my mouth and in the following months and years, it did not really seem to be the best idea to make- for whatever it was worth. But then, when everything was over and my mouth was free from all the metals and screws, it finally kicked in that I made the right decision and I could fi
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Semâ kavs-i mutalsam

Yorgun gözümün halkalarında Güller gibi fecr oldu nümâyân, Güller gibi... sonsuz, iri güller Güller ki kamıştan daha nâlân; Gün doğdu yazık arkalarında! Altın kulelerden yine kuşlar Tekrârını ömrün eder i'lân. Kuşlar mıdır onlar ki her akşam Âlemlerimizden sefer eyler? Akşam, yine akşam, yine akşam Bir sırma kemerdir suya baksam; Üstümde semâ kavs-i mutalsam! Akşam, yine akşam, yine akşam Göllerde bu dem bir kamış olsam! Bu satırları okuyordum neredeyse 16 yıl önce bir sinifta, kendi siramda. Şimdi kendi evimde, odamda yalniz basina oturmuş, bir halt isledikten sonra geri dönüp özür dilemeye, sirnasmaya calisan cocuklar misali geri geliyorum bloguma. Ne ben ondan vazgectim aslinda, ne de o beni birakti ki blogun ismini gorur gormez gulumsuyorum. Yalniz gezenin dusleri, evet iste yine bir yalnizligin tam ortasinda bulustuk. Bu kez sanki biraz daha degismis, biraz daha yontulmus bir halde buluyorum kendimi. Bunun adi buyumek mi? Adini tam konduramasam da o tanidik hisler gelip
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Aeroplane over the Sea

What have I told myself in the end of last year? Oh yeah, write more. Is it fine to start in the middle of a quarantine on a Thursday evening, in the midst of a worldwide epidemic? I can hear you say, well, go ahead. Because many of us, for the shortly foreseeable future, will be staying in our homes. Why? To hide from something we unintentionally created to haunt us.  It didn`t start so quickly I would like to say. But that wouldn´t be the complete truth. Two weeks ago, I could feel something was coming, and I had a pretty disturbing weekend with the thought of that. If my 2-weeks later self would go back in time, she would definitely warn me: There-will-be-no-toilette-papers-left! This is a small, dark comedic side of what has been happening in the last weeks all over the world. The horror that haunts us, a virus, that is spreading over all the continents, without discriminating anyone. No, this is not a cheap Hollywood movie script. This is a pandemic.  WHO (World
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Kesfedilmemis Element

Ne itiyordu beni o sayfalarca yazilari yazmaya?  10 sene önce bu blogu neden actigimi hatirliyorum. Üniversitenin ilk dönemiydi, bir konferansa katilmistik, bir hoca bize bir seyler anlatmisti, acaba neydi soylemeye calistigi seyin özu.. Hatirimda kalan tek sey bize bir takim tavsiyelerde bulunduguydu, gelecege yönelik. Bunlardan biri sosyal bir platformda kendimizi ifade etmemizin gerekliligi uzerineydi. O zaman yazdigim onlarca günluk gelmisti aklima. Sonra o zamanlarda cok tecrübeli ve hayattan o siralarda oldukca keyif alir gibi gorunen genc bir cocugun gezi blogunu gostermisti bizlere. Acaba o genc adam hangi sikintilarla basa cikiyordu o siralarda, kim bilir? Ama o zaman, hic de öyle görünmüyordu. Iste ondan sonraki aylardaydi blogspotta bir seyler karalamaya baslayisim.  Geriye dönüp baktigimda, ne söylemek istedigimden cok da emin degilmisim, ama iste, baslamisim bir kere.  “Aslnda benim hakkımda hiç bir şey bilmiyorladı, beni tanımıyorlardı, yalnızca adı
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With a Little Help From My Friends

"And you have came to the world. There is no cure for that."  It takes quite a lot of time to remember the past within oneself, but I guess it is more possible in the transition states of mind. When we are happy, we are too greedy to remember devastating moments of our lives and our ways to survive those times. And when we are too sad, we only remember the bad moments as if they are the only things that define us, forgetting how we got out of those times in the first place. But life, most of the time, is a circle of remembering and forgetting, with all the rings are tied together to make a bigger circle, and hopefully a meaning. Of course, whatever we are through doesn't mean anything unless we try to understand something from it. Today there was the World Cup match of Belgium. And after they have been defeated by two goals in the second half, I was a bit of sad that my second home to my 18 year old self, was going away from the floor. But then, in the last m
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No Surprises

I have cried. I have cried my lungs out. I have heard myself sobbing, looked at myself in the mirror just to see how I look like when I am that sad. When I feel there is no way out, there is literally no thought that can carry me somewhere.  I just have to sit there, think of all the mistakes I have done, all the "could have been"s and all the opportunies I accidentaly or purposely missed. There it is, I am victimizing myself. The world is sure not fair. But it is much less fair to me if you ask it to me. I cant explain why I feel like that, maybe it has to do with some psychological issues- most probably. I am just afraid it is gonna be difficult to change the template I have obtained in years of experience. What is "years" anyway, sometimes I feel like I havent seen anything yet. I feel that this is just the very beginning. All I have been through was a sweet little enterance, supported by some small tragedies and some joyful moments. And I keep remembering th
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